The weeks before,
Mrs. M sat down with me to ask how I was
How I was taking my grandfather’s death
She was the type to laugh
and make frog sounds when her throat clogged
But that day, her lanky throat was rigid
I said everything but nothing at the same time
my lungs still hurt from the crying
and the fever that came suddenly
A day after his death
It had been months
of dreaming of him still here
and watching my family members
fall apart
On November 21st,
The Tuesday before Thanksgiving, we took a ride
to Wisconsin Dells in our van
which we sold a few months later
We would never leave home for a vacation
Unless it meant we saw family or if
my grandparents wanted to see Puerto Rico Again
My sister admitted it was because
my mother and my grandmother
weren’t ready to celebrate Thanksgiving
In our home
Me and my little brother
shared a hotel a bed
he was barely five
Soon to become six the next week
We were skinny and small then
Our bodies cradled along the bed
like two twigs forming
a heart
Our parents made us swim in the pool the next day
But we just wanted to sleep and dream
of him again
Eventually, my mom convinced me to smile
by buying me a stuffed elephant
with a blue shirt
On Thanksgiving night,
I remember dressing up in a cheap suit
and walking down the plaza for dinner
A table which Alice would be jealous to sit at
Covered in Thanksgiving classics and meals I would have never
imagine at our dinner table
A chocolate-spraying fountain
sat in the middle of the room
with an army of other kids waiting
But all I could think was
where was the Arroz con Gandules
and the turkey covered in sazón.
All these people in their suits and dresses
Laughing and cheering as if
they were home
The turkey tasted as plain as rubber and
The mac and cheese felt like hot plastic
My sister had left the room crying as
my mother stood over
my grandmother in her wheelchair
As I looked at my father and my brother
I wanted to say
We don’t belong here
This is not our home
Cesar Toscano
Cesar Toscano is a Chicago-based writer with a BA in Creative Writing from Columbia College Chicago. His poems and stories have been published in Allium, a Journal of Poetry and Prose, Hex Literary magazine, Oddball magazine, and Unfortunately, Magazine.
